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John Roberts: Cancer: 100 Ways to Fight, Feb 18 2009 CAREGIVERS

Selected from:

Cancer: 100 Ways to Fight

www.CanFighter.com

III/17. Caregivers

The care of love should flow equally in both directions.

As the superior species, we cannot separate our care and love for an ill or dying loved one from our care and love for everything else that lives. We are all part of that one great tree of life. The more our compassion and responsibility are

all-encompassing, the stronger they become.

––John Roberts

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.

––Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.

––George Washington Carver

You can run, but you can’t hide. At some point, you’ll have to face the fact that you or someone you care about will have cancer. If we care now, if we become sensitive to the needs of others, if we monitor our behavior during this trying time, our relationships will strengthen. We will be part of the healing solution.

––Rosanne Kalick, Cancer Etiquette, 2005

Whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world; and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world.

––The Talmud

The most sensible way to further our own interests, to find our own freedom, and to glimpse our own happiness is often not to pursue the goals directly, but to look after other people’s interests, to help other people be free from fear and pain, to contribute to their happiness. Ultimately, it is all very simple. There is no choice between being kind to others and being kind to ourselves. It is the same thing.

–– Sharon Salzberg,

Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, 2002

There are many kinds of caregivers––family, friends, doctors, staff, institutions, hired help––but, of course, the one that is the most likely to give the most comfort and happiness is the one who does so with genuine love. In that way, we are able, from both directions, to give and to forgive. The need to give and receive loving care causes the problems and strains of the past relationship to fall away, and the bonds and deep understandings to grow stronger. The illness tends to move into the background when we are focused on the happiness of a refreshed and benevolent relationship. Better late than never.

Every caregiver soon learns that the caregiver also needs care. The responsibility of caring for an ill loved one, often while working or taking care of a family, frequently leads to stress and depression. The difficulty is compounded by the possibility of impending loss and the frustration of uncertainty, complex medicine, decision-making, and dealing with staff and family members. This can reduce the benefits to the patient or even endanger the patient’s recovery or health. It is therefore imperative for the caregiver to attend to self, seek the causes of stress, and make efforts to balance the needs of both parties.

It is often the case that the situation is made more difficult by the patient, who understandably is self-absorbed and inattentive to the feelings and needs of the caregiver. One caregiver told me that her newly-diagnosed boy friend was angry and critical, blaming her for not seeing the difference in degree between her problems, some of which he caused, and his life-threatening condition. The patient, where possible, must build empathy for the others involved, while at the same time be willing to accept the sacrifices they make and try to help.

Above all, however, the caregiver must make a serious effort to understand the journey that the patient is making, to identify the changing condition, goals, and needs of a person who may not yet understand or control them. The patient is bound to need  help from a close and perceptive loved one who knows the way through the forest, tempers the difficult emotions, and fosters the discovery of peace and understanding that support the last steps through the gates.