Jane's Journal
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June 02, 2009
Convinced nothing can kill him!
Wow! I'm convinced nothing can kill my dad, at this point. I guess God will just take him when he's good and ready.
My dad was diagnosed with 3 primary cancers: liver, bladder, and prostate. It's been over a year since we started learning this news (one cancer at a time).
Dad had surgery to remove the superficial bladder tumor. He gets Lupron shots for the prostate cancer. AND, he had chemoembolization for the liver.
As a result, his liver tumors actually shrank (he had two), his PSA went down to next to nothing, and his tumor markers went from 12 - 5 (I think that's right).
Praise God for the extra time we didn't think we would get, for the miracles we've witnessed, and for the wonders of cancer research leading to the development of these treatments ... Race for the Cure people!!!!
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November 03, 2008
Dad's birthday and other thoughts
October 25th was my dad's 72nd birthday. That was a real milestone for me. When this journey began in March, I was afraid we wouldn't make it that far and that we would be grieving on his birthday instead of celebrating.
I can hardly believe ... Dad is still relatively pain-free, and is still traveling! He and Mom went to Indiana to a casino with his siblings to celebrate their birthdays, and now he's preparing to accompany a friend (whose wife can't go after they already made plans) to Vegas in a couple weeks. I hate that he gambles, but I'm happy to see him still living his life. And I'm thankful that Mom gets a few days to just disconnect from the journey while he's gone.
It's kind of funny ... it almost seems like as long as he's making plans and lving them out, things are fine. What would happen if he had nothing planned, nothing to look forward to, work towards?
At our church, a beloved member ... a woman who taught the preschool Sunday School class for 50 years!!! ... passed away from cancer Sunday morning.
Lord, be with us all. Amen.
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August 06, 2008
My dad has liver cancer
My dad has primary liver cancer ... along with primary bladder cancer ... AND primary prostate cancer.
I hate it when the thought creeps in that he's got cancer cells multiplying every second of the day and they haven't started ANY treatments yet. How does he sleep with that knowledge?
I live close to an hour away from my parents. Not that far, unless you have 5 kids, with many activities, and you're preparing to sell your house. Then it seems like a 10-hour drive there and back. But I get to see him twice this week ... tomorrow night, and Sunday afternoon. Rejoice! Make memories!
We found out two things today ... the good news is that the other shadow they saw on a scan is a diverticulum, not another cancer. The bad news is that the liver is unresectable because it's too close to an artery (or something); and he's ineligible for a transplant because of the other cancers. Would you get a second opinion? My mother trusts this doctor and is satisfied with his assessment.
The doctor decided they would inject chemo directly into the liver tumor to try to shrink it ... did I mention that it's over 6 cm? Funny, I was mentally picturing it as "6 cm long" ... never pictured it possibly round. Cancer.gov described a 5cm liver tumor as being the size of a lime. Whoa. Hadn't pictured it that way. I saw in my mind ... a half a pencil. No big deal. That's not very big ... that's gotta be only a small portion of my dad's whole liver ... um, yeah, his probably-cirrohis-filled liver. Bummer.
My kids ALL go back to school (the youngest going all day everyday for the first time ever) in 13 days. I wonder what that first day will be like. I sometimes imagine that I will finally have the freedom to cry ... I was going to say "for as long as I want or need to," until I realized I haven't really let myself cry over this yet. This could be a long process ... I don't want to cry in front of the kids yet. So that first day ... I will already be sad about my baby going off to school all day, leaving me ... still a stay-at-home-mom. Another reason I haven't let myself cry yet is because I know myself enough to know that crying EXHAUSTS me, and with it still summer vacation, I don't have the luxury of naps right now. So that first day ... I'll finish this yet! ... I imagine letting myself have a good ol' cry, and a nice long nap, and a cup of tea. Then I'll pull myself together, pick the kids up from school, and go on with my life again.
Whew. Really ... I can't wait to have that cry. Good thing for cleaning, packing, rearranging furniture, kids, cooking, books, tv, and friends to keep me occupied for now.
I almost cried during my high school son's soccer game. Most of those people don't know me and don't know why I would be crying. And this is my son from my first marriage, so my ex-husband is there and already thinks I'm stupid because I cry (regardless of how legitimate the reason is for the tears!). And if he told my son I had been crying at the game, my son would be mortified!!! And we were WAY far away from the cars, so I couldn't just go hide. There you have it ... my biggest fear right now ... crying in public.
Ok, off to bed now as I say once again, "Suck it up, girl! This is NOT the time to cry yet!" Wipe my eyes, blow out my breath. I'm going to go read some Janet Evanovich. She can capture my imagination and make me laugh. It's all good.
Thank you, Lord, for this outlet for my thoughts. Amen.